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1.
Her father died and left her almost nothing in his will
 She had a schizophrenic roommate and a place on Murray Hill
 She wanted a career that didn’t take a lot of skill
 Her roommate had an IUD and she was on the pill. She was young
 She was cute
 She took the bus
 She wore a suit
 She bought sudokos 
for her commute What’s upstairs? There’s not a lot
 (But it doesn’t mean she isn’t hot.)
 That’s all she is. 
She’s Liz The Hot Receptionist Married guys at work were always looking down her shirt 
They would hang around her desk on their way to take a squirt
 She wouldn’t get involved- she was afraid of getting hurt
 But cocktails were expensive so she knew she had to flirt She passed the time. She paid the rent
 She learned to be subservient
 Her skin got dry from the heating vent. What’s upstairs? There’s not a lot. 
(But it doesn’t mean she isn’t hot.) 
That’s all she is.
 She’s Liz:
The Hot Receptionist Harris gave her Tic Tacs
 Martin gave her Diet Coke 
Watzman bought her cookies 
Porter gave her dope 
She never got promoted 
Always wondered why 
Her desk was by the printer: easy to stop by. Liz! Liz! Liz! She met a guy in real estate
 He put her name on his license plate 
They make their home in the Garden State What’s upstairs? 
There’s not a lot
 (But it doesn’t mean she isn’t hot)
 That’s all she is.
 She’s Liz The Hot Receptionist
 Hunh!
2.
I’ve got a boyfriend everything’s great
 But it could fall through if you’re willing to wait
 Cheating on him is something I won’t do 
But there’s room in my life for a guy like you: Even though I’ve got a man 
I’ve gotta have a back up plan. Won’t you be my Back Burner Guy? 
When he works late we can meet on the sly
 He’s number one. But you’re number two
 Won’t you be my back burner dude? You’ll always have a place in my heart.
 We can about books. We can talk about art.
 If things go wrong like they sometimes do 
I can drop kick him: cuz I’ve got you. It’d feel pretty nice
 To have a guy like you on ice. Won’t you be my Back Burner Guy? 
You’ll never kiss me so don’t even try 
 Don’t want to cheat- just want to know I can. 
Won’t you be my back burner man? When I’m feeling insecure I’ll call
 You can stroke my ego but that’s all. When he’s distant, when he comes home late 
I’ll still know that you think that I’m great. When I’ve got you it’s a funny thing 
I won’t be neurotic. I won’t have to cling
 As long as I know you lust after me. 
I can be the girl he wants me to be. Won’t you be my Back Burner Guy? 
The position’s yours if you want to apply
 You’re more than a friend; you’re a back up plan 
Won’t you be my back burner man? Won’t you be my Back Burner Guy? 
Won’t you be my Back Burner Guy? 
Won’t you be my Back Burner Guy? 
Won’t you be my Back Burner Guy?
3.
Jill used to be normal But now she is a freak. Isn’t it strange The way that she changed? She was a golden young girl She stays in the house She’s always asleep She looks so sad She never talks to me She stopped seeing her friends She dropped off of the team She always looks mad She walks around in a dream She dresses in black I never see her laugh It’s not how she used to be uhhh Jill used to be normal but now we never speak Isn’t it strange seeing her change She was a golden young girl. golden young girl. Jill used to be happy but now she is a freak Isn’t it strange the way that she changed She was a golden young girl. Golden young girl. Golden young girl. Golden young girl.
4.
To Julie On the Fung Wah bus to Boston I really loved our conversation I thought it was so weird and coincidental We’re both into Goethe and meditation I lost you at the taxi stand So I never said goodbye to you I should’ve got your digits too Julie On the Fung Wah bus Julie On the Fung Wah bus I’m posting on Missed Connections I hope you’ll read it I hope you’ll write me back To Julie On the Fung Wah bus to Boston I bought the Yma Sumac song you recommended She’s amazing You were totally right about the way it ended I listened to it six times through And every time I thought of you Every time I thought of you, Julie On the Fung Wah bus Julie On the Fung Wah bus I’m posting on Missed Connections I hope you’ll read it I hope you’ll write me back When you get back From your cousin’s house in Gloucester. I thought it was obvious But I guess you didn’t have a clue How taken I was with you: Julie On the Fung Wah bus Julie On the Fung Wah bus I’m posting on Missed Connections I hope you’ll read it I hope you’ll write me back When you get back From your cousin’s house. Julie On the Fung Wah bus to Boston From your cousin’s house Julie On the Fung Wah bus to Boston When you get back From your cousin’s house Julie On the Fung Wah bus to Boston When you get back From your cousin’s house in Gloucester
5.
Just like a dishwasher needs a dish. You’ve gotta have a wish. Just like a theme park needs a theme You’ve gotta have a dream If you don’t have a passion Choose whatever’s in fashion In cocktail conversation It gives you something to say Like a junkie needs her dope You’ve gotta have hope. Like a breast needs an aureole You’ve got to have a goal. You need something to flail at Something for you to fail at. A star up there to stare at From millions of miles away. It’s essential it’s determinenal if you don’t want something monumental You must want something you don’t have some crazy creed Something just beyond your reach some luscious peach you’ll never bite some delight you’ll never know something to blow. A dream will help align you Helps the critics confine you Gives a value to assign you It’s a game that you’ve got to play Just like a stripper needs a pole You’ve gotta have a goal. Just like a color has a scheme. You’ve gotta have a dream You’ve gotta have a dream Like an anorexic needs self-esteem Like a Russian needs to take a steam Like a salmon needs to swim upstream You've gotta have a dream. You’ve gotta have a dream You’ve gotta have a dream
6.
There’s a brand new surfin’ sensation
 For the sedentary generation 
It’s rad! 
And it’s sweepin’ the country. 
Let’s go! 

Vanity Surfin’ 
Vanity Surfin’
 I’ve got my search engine open
 And it’s searchin’ for me. Stayin’ out of the burnin’ sun 
We’re at our desks and we’re havin’ fun.
 Log on! 
It’s a special kind of masturbation. I’m inside and the shades are drawn 
I’ve got my computer on 
I’m getting off 
On googling me… Let’s go! Vanity Surfin’
Vanity Surfin’ 
I’ve got Safari open 
And it’s surfin’ for me. We sit there like bumps on logs 
Lookin’ for ourselves on peoples’ blogs 
Boot up!
 For some ego gratification. Let's go! Vanity Surfin’ Surfin' Searchin' 
Searchin’ for me. Searchin’ for me. 
Let’s go! .
7.
I'm Around 03:43
It’s Monica 
I had fun tonight 
Just letting you know I got home allright
 Did you go back out? 
Cuz I thought you might.
 Dude that’s rude 
you bite! 
I’m around. 
I’m around. 
I’m around. It’s me again 
Just sayin hi.
 Guess you’re out
 Well I thought I’d try.
 Basically I'm free tonight. 
If you want me to swing by 
I’m around.
I’m around. 
I’m around. I’ve been away for a day or two 
If you wondered why I wasn’t calling you
 Do you miss me? 
You know you do! 
Call me back - it’s you know who. 
I’m around.
I’m around. 
I’m around. Hey what you up to? 
Give me a buzz back 
Here’s my number
 You wanna hang out
 Give me a call back
 Just trying you again. YOU HAVE 4 NEW MESSAGES
Hey you, it’s monica.
NEXT MESSSAGE.
Hi. It’s Monica.
NEXT MESSSAGE.
It’s me. Monica. Trying to get ahold of you.
NEXT MESSSAGE. 
Hey screener it’s Monica It’s Monica 
It’s half past ten
 Trying to get ahold of you again
 You said you’d call 
O.K. well, when? I’m around.
I’m around. 
I’m around. 
I’m around.
I’m around. 
I’m around
8.
The Vixen 02:42
9.
When I told you that I didn’t want any part of you
It wasn’t true 
Cuz part of me still misses parts of you… I miss your arm.
 The rest of you just lacked a certain charm. 
Your mouth and eyes just told me lies
 But your arm was nice and warm.
 It never rubbed me wrong or caused me harm. I miss your knee 
Pressed against me in a movie
 Beside me on the train 
It never turned against me like your heart
 Or changed its mind about me like your brain. I miss your hair.
 If I never see your face again
 I swear that I don’t care 
Your grumpy moods 
Your taste in shoes
 Your arrogance
 The way you dance 
The way you left your laundry on the stair 
I’ll never miss those things 
The way I miss your hair. I wish the stuff about you 
That I was so attached to
 Was not attached to you. 
It isn’t fair.
 I miss your hair 
I miss your knee 
I miss your arm. 
Do they miss me?
10.
I hope you’re happy.
 I hope you’re where you want to be. 
I hope you’re happy 
Just not happier than me. I heard you had another baby. 
How old’s the first one? He must be three. 
I’m happy for you ‘cause when we broke up, 
you said you wanted a big family. I heard you sold your old apartment
 I heard you got a decent price 
I heard you guys moved out to Brooklyn 
I forget which neighborhood but I heard it’s nice. I hope you’re happy 
I hope you’re where you want to be
 I hope you’re happy-
 Just not happier than me. Will you say hi to your sister for me? 
I feel bad we didn’t stay in touch
 It’s really a shame 
Because I always liked her very much. I found a picture from when we first moved in together. 
I forgot your hair was so long.
 We looked happy then and it made me realize
 How well you and I actually used to get along. Do you remember when we took ecstacy and we stopped fooling around because we wanted to call your grandmother? 
Remember when I ate that sandwich that was on the floor of the van and you said that was the thing that made you fall in love with me? 
Do you remember when we drove out to Death Valley at night in that rented convertible, and the moon was so bright that we drove without the headlights on and there was nothing on the radio so we were singing Bruce Springsteen songs and you were singing Born to Run and when you got to the part where he says “Will you walk with me out on the wire” I don’t know why but we both started crying? I hope you’re happy 
 Hope you’re where you want to be. 
I hope you’re happy. 
 Just not happier, happier than me. Just not happier, happier than me. Just not happier than me.
11.
There’s Mrs. Powers- our old teachers’ aid.
 She sits down at the Copper Kettle for hours 
Drinking vodka lemonade.
 She passed out in her lawn chair at the Fireman’s Parade
 She’s an alcoholic in my town. There’s Colleen Sullivan 
Drinking on the bus at away games.
 Making out with guys from other schools.
 Doesn’t even know their last names. 
She burned her pants in a bonfire standing too close to the flames. 
She’s an alcoholic in my town 
Another alcoholic in my town Another Southern Comfort 
Another Yukon Jack
 Another Cuervo Gold 
Keep em comin’
 Keep on rockin’ 
This party never gets old There’s Little Dave
 Hangin' out at Cumberland Farms.
 He got fired from Sikorsky last week
 Cuz he pulled the fire alarm.
 He gets a little rowdy 
But he don’t mean any harm. There’s Jimmy Hudak
 You know his brother Bill?
 One time they locked the guy in a port-a-john.
 And rolled him down a hill. 
People say they should grow up
 But you know they never will-
 They’re alcoholics. That’s Debbie’s father 
He’s really cool 
Last summer he backed his riding mower 
Into the swimming pool.
 He keeps a keg in his basement. 
And we drink there after school. 
He’s an alcoholic 
In my town.
 Another alcoholic
 In my town. Happy days 
the party never ends 
Here’s to all us alcoholics
 Another round for my friends.
 One more round for my friends.
12.
Pathetic 03:14
How come every time I order food at a restaurant I get all shy and apologetic and subservient? 
Like any waiter or waitress has a total position of authority over me. 
Like what’s my problem? I’m not worthy of ordering a meal? 
I'm such an idiot. I’m such a loser! How come I can’t leave an outgoing message on my answering machine without listening back and re-recording it at least 5 times, trying to sound all casual and cool and lighthearted and unrehearsed. 
I'm such an idiot. I’m such a loser! 

Why am I so afraid that everyone’s gonna hate me? 
It’s pathetic!
 Do you hate me for asking if you hate me?
 Why am I so suspicious whenever someone likes me? 
If you like me then I hate you 
You’re pathetic!
 Dude I know it. It’s pathetic.
 How pathetic. If you have the kind of face 
 that no matter where you go, you look out of place
, then I love you. 
That’s pathetic If you’re the kind of person who can’t make up her mind
, you must be kind 
And I love you
 That’s pathetic If getting dressed 
triggers in you 
total out-of-hand self consciousness.
 Then I love you.
 That’s pathetic If the simple act of tipping a barrista
 fills you with self-loathing Then I love you.
 That’s pathetic If you have trouble looking people in the eye
 You’re an allright guy
 And I love you.
 Pathetic!
 But if I love you 

Will you hate me?
 How pathetic 
Don’t you think I know it
 That’s pathetic 
Don’t you think I hate it?
 You’re pathetic 
Don’t you, don’t you, don’t you think it makes me hate myself?
13.
Dry Spell 04:37
She believed in love 
But she was starting to doubt it 
Then she met a man
 Who needed it just as bad 
Now it’s hard to believe
 She ever lived without it Dina’s over her dry spell! 
Everybody’s glad. 
Dina’s over her dry spel!
 No more feeling mad. Like rainstorms in the desert ...mountains in the spring 
Like rivers over flowing 
Tra la la la la! Seemed like she was celibate forever 
Seemed like she would never get her rocks off
 Oh how she longed to get her rocks off 
She waited for so long to get her rocks off. Suddenly she feels pretty 
Suddenly she feels young
 Suddenly her neighbor on the co-op board is not wrong. Something has displaced the rage. 
The months of feeling numb are done
 Carnal knowledge has made the girl a sage 
Now she’s in tune with the universal 
hum.

credits

released March 24, 2020

Produced by Joel Shelton
With Risa Mickenberg and Allen Farmelo
Engineered by Allen Farmelo at Mavericks Studios, Manhattan and The Farm, Brooklyn
Mixed by Allen Farmelo at The Farm, Brooklyn
Assistant Engineers at Mavericks and The Farm: Matthew Agoglia, Ned Meiners, Zack Dinerstein
Horns recorded by Dan “The Machine” Levine
Additional Recording at: Moonbat Studios, NYC
Mastered by Jeff Lipton at Peerless Mastering, Boston, MA
Assistant Mastering Engineer: Maria Rice
Horn and String Arrangements by Joel Shelton

Mike Boschen-Trombone (Solos #12,#8,#9,#11), Gang Vocals
Wayne DuMaine- Trumpet (Solo #2), Keyboards, Backing Vocals
Risa Mickenberg- Lead Vocals
Stan Mitchell- Drums, Percussion, Gang Vocals
Chris Olness- Bass Trombone (Solo #8), Gang Vocals
Tim Schadt- Trumpet (Solo #3), Keyboards
Joel Shelton- Guitar, Backing Vocals, Lead Vocals (#3,#6,#11,#13)
Will Shelton- Bass, Backing Vocals

Appearing with JHC&TFHotA are:
Shelly Bhushan- “Gospel” Vocals(#11)
Allen Farmelo- Backing Vocals (#10), Telecaster (#4), Acoustic guitar (#10), OGM Voice (#7), Percussion (#4)
Kunji Rey- Backing Vocals (#4)
Richard Schwartz- Tap Dancing (#5)
Claire Smith- Violin (#12)

"I Miss Your Arm":
Bill Campbell- Drums
David Cook- Piano
Jonathan Gregg- Pedal Steel
Alan Hampton- Upright Bass

CD Art Direction and Photography by Chris Shipman

All songs written by Risa Mickenberg (ASCAP) & Joel Shelton (BMI) and published by Dusty Fan (ASCAP) & Moonbat Music (BMI), except "The Vixen" written by Joel Shelton, Published by Moonbat Music (BMI)
© + (P) 2008 by JHC&TFHotA

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Jesus H Christ and the Four Hornsmen of the Apocalypse New York, New York

"Jesus H Christ and the Four Hornsmen of the Apocalypse has a crusading horn section, some fine guitar playing, and a growing catalogue of sharply satirical power pop."- The New Yorker

"Sounding a little like Amy Sedaris fronting Fountains of Wayne."
-Pitchfork

"Like asparagus, olives, Zappa and cum, Jesus H Christ are an acquired taste." - Leicester Bangs
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